A Special Post

Firstly, I want to apologize for the length of time without a post. I have been wanting to sit down and write a specific post for a while now, and this seems like a good time to do it.

As the 2 year mark approaches of the day we lost Shannon, awareness is more and more important to me. Another thing the last 2 years has taught is how many of my friends have been affected by domestic violence. As soon as my advocacy started, people began talking to me and confiding in me about their own experiences. This demonstrates that when you open your heart and ears to others, they will talk! There is no reason we can't be there to support others in their time of trouble when all it takes it making it OK to talk about it.

With that being said, one of my friends recently came to me asking to share her story publicly so that she can find healing as well as help others who have been in similar situations. I hope sharing her story will help her in her journey as well as make it OK for others to seek help and maybe even normalize their experience. The following post was written by Emily Banton Halstead and, may I say, I admire your bravery in sharing this so publicly.

Here is her story:

Coming Out

"In the era of gay rights and women’s rights and everything in between, this shouldn’t be so hard. If people make national news and are applauded for “coming out”, then why is this so crippling for me?

I’m a victim of domestic abuse.

He never laid a hand on me, but sometimes the scars you can’t see are the ones that hurt the worst. They are the ones that are hardest to talk about and take the longest to heal. I was raised by a single mom. She is the strongest person I know, and she raised me to be that way, too. So how did I end up here? I wasn’t abused growing up, I got straight A’s, I graduated from high school and college, and I didn’t do drugs.

When I fell in love with Rob*, it was a complete whirlwind. It was fast, it was hard, and I was completely swept away. I thought he could do no wrong. I molded myself into what I thought he wanted me to be. I let my friends go, I let my family go, and in turn, they all stood by helplessly watching me become someone I wasn’t. Rob eventually began telling me how to wear my hair, how to do my makeup, what clothes to wear, who I could see and who I couldn’t see, who I could talk to and who I couldn’t. We did things he wanted to do. We only saw movies he liked, we only went to things he wanted to go to. I worked full time (and overtime) to pay all our bills so he could spend his money on beer and liquor and going out. I kept the house clean, and I took care of all his needs. In turn he belittled me, humiliated me, and made me feel like the smallest person in the world. He didn’t believe in me, and somewhere along the way I quit believing in me, too.

After nearly three years of this, something inside me snapped. I went to a doctor and got on a mild anti-depressant and began reconnecting with my friends and family. I began to look like me again, and I began to feel like me again. I’m still trying to figure out how I got there and why. Its embarrassing; I’m not a weak person. A good friend and LPC told me “Most of the time, the other party is so good at manipulation that they may not even realize its abuse, so think about how hard it is for you to figure it out”. I’m still recovering, I’m still figuring out how I got there, I’m still dealing with the aftermath. I may never understand exactly why or how, but it gave me a purpose in life and taught me lessons far more valuable than something I could ever learn in a book or a class.

So where am I today? I have amazing friends. I have a family who stands firmly behind me and is proud of me. I have a good job that pays my bills. And yes, I’m dating someone new. He believes in me and makes me feel like I’m worth it every single day. I still struggle with self-doubt on a daily basis, and unfortunately there are even moments where I miss Rob. Emotional abuse isn’t something you instantly get over. It’s a long healing process that takes time.

I would love to sit here and say that if you’re a victim get help and if you know someone who is a victim try to help them, but it doesn’t work that way. Its not that easy when it comes to the mind and the heart. So, if you are a victim, have faith in yourself and know that you are stronger than you believe. And if you know someone who may be a victim, have faith in that person, don’t give up on them, and don’t desert them in their crippling time of need."

Thank you Emily for sharing your story. I know how hard it is to put yourself out there. Almost right after I read Emily's story, I read this in the 5 Love Languages and thought it appropriate to end this post with this to think about:

"A doormat is an inanimate object. You can wipe your feet on it, step on it, kick it around, or whatever you like. It has no will of its own. It can be your servant but not your lover. When we treat our spouses as objects, we preclude the possibility of love. Manipulation by guilt is not the language of love. Coercion by fear is alien to love. No person should ever be a doormat. We may allow ourselves to be used, but we are in fact creatures of emotion, thoughts, and desires. And we have the ability to make decisions and take action. Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. It is, in fact, an act of treason. You are allowing him or her to develop inhumane habits. Love says 'I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me.'"

Please show Emily your support in this difficult task by sharing this post with others and commenting below.