Don't let Awareness end

As we end the month of October, I want to urge you all not to end the war on domestic violence. Simply because awareness month ends, does not mean we get to end spreading awareness.  This is a community issue that requires continued attention, discussion, and awareness. 

The best way to prevent and end domestic violence is to speak up and speak out! 

Don't let another person fall victim of domestic violence simply because October is over. 

Please continue the fight to help those you know and those you may not have met yet.

Help our future communities be free of domestic violence by being aware year round!

I found this prayer written by Rev. Dr. Aleese Moore-Orbih

I thought it was fitting to end Domestic Violence Awareness Month with 

A Prayer for Continued Courage

 

"Creator, sustainer, lover of our minds, bodies and souls:

We are grateful for strength, determination, family, 

friends and resources to continue this sacred work.

We thank you that evil will not prevail but love and justice will.

We thank you that death does not have the final word; 

that friends, colleagues, sisters, mothers, daughters, 

nieces whose earthly lives were stolen from us live on

in spirit in the work we do, the prayers we offer 

and the compassion we share.

We thank you that the power of your grace has brought 

so many women out of abusive relationships. We thank you

that you continue to hold them in the palms of your 

hands protecting and sustaining them. We pray for 

continued healing of their body, mind and spirit

that they might be totally free to live life abundantly.

We pray for those who remain trapped to receive help 

and support; that you would make a way out of no way.

We pray for the many children who live and have lived in 

violent homes; those who have witnessed their fathers and

other men hurt their moms, aunts and sisters.

We pray for healing of their bodies, minds and spirits. 

We pray that they will not be shaped by violent 

environments, but by liberation, healing and justice and

that they would transcend the oppression they have experienced.

Finally, we ask for continued courage to stand against all 

forms of oppression and violence in our world. We ask that 

you knit out hearts, vision and even strategies together

across organizational lines to end violence against women and children.

In hope,

Amen"

No matter your belief, no matter your higher power, this prayer is one of peace and love.

I hope you have found inspiration, love, encouragement, and most of all, hope this October. 

Join us in the fight against domestic violence so that stories, such as Shannon's, do not go unheard. Those we have lost deserve to be remembered and honored.  They would want us to help prevent domestic violence from continuing.

We must not stay silent any longer! 

CFVC 2012 Candlelight Vigil

Every year, during National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Cherokee Family Violence Center puts together a candlelight vigil to honor those who have been affected by domestic violence. This includes victims, survivors, and advocates. This amazing vigil was this past Tuesday and I had the honor of attending.

It was extremely moving as well as personally healing.

Although we emphasize awareness during October, it is as one of the speakers said, domestic violence needs to be talked about all year, not just one month! Domestic violence is a COMMUNITY ISSUE, not an individual's issue that can't be talked about. If you don't think it's a community issue, check out these statistics shared at the vigil:

In 2012,

3635 Domestic violence calls were made to 911

1052 calls were made to hotlines

62 Georgians lost their lives to domestic violence

3 Cherokee County women lost their lives to DV

How are these numbers not a community issue? Three women in one county of one state lost their lives this past year! We need to spread awareness and make sure victims know it's not their fault!

Candles were lit to honor those we have tragically lost at the hands of an intimate partner. 

These flags were placed with purple ribbons to represent the 62 Georgians who lost their lives.

*Picture from Cherokee Tribune

Cutout silhouettes were set up to honor those who had lost their battle in domestic violence.  The 3 victims from this last year in the forefront.

*Picture from Cherokee Tribune

Shannon's silhouette still stood; over one year later and the pain of seeing a cutout with her name on it still hurts on such a deep level.

Throughout the vigil, many spoke of their journey through domestic violence and the strength they found to get help and get safe. Moving poems, speeches, personal stories were all shared in an attempt to share stories and spread awareness. 

One speaker shared her story of how her abuse started with emotional abuse and control. She began isolating from friends and family, fearful of the confrontation that would come if she went against her abuser.  Eventually, he began to hit her, even causing her blindness in one eye.  She found strength and left, pressed charges, and her abuser is now in jail. Her story was so healing for me to hear. I can't pinpoint what it was but it really hit home. She is so strong.

 *Picture from Cherokee Tribune

Shannon Wallace, district attorney elect, said it best when she stated that "domestic violence is not an inevitable crime." As she encouraged those there who had lost a loved one to share our experiences and let others learn from our sorrow, she also made sure the crowd new that DV is preventable and that each person can make a difference.

This year was the first year CFVC ran out of candles! There were more people than candles, showing how much awareness has already grown. Lets make sure we fill downtown Canton with purple next year! There is no reason awareness should stop you. Sharing a link is so easy! Let's get it out there. 

We are the future of a domestic free community, but we have to fight for it!

For the full article from Cherokee Tribune, see the following link:

http://cherokeetribune.com/view/full_story/20590595/article-Vigil-honors-victims--supports-survivors-of-domestic-violence?instance=secondary_story_bullets_left_column

Visit CFVC on their website and on FaceBook:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Cherokee-Family-Violence-Center/139531269338

www.cfvc.org

Disproving Stereotypes

There are a lot of common stereotypes surrounding domestic violence. You know the phrase "it could never happen to me or someone I know?" This is perpetuated by these stereotypes. Many times we don't think that our intimate partners could ever hurt us. Then one day we realize we are in the middle of an abusive relationship and shame and guilt prevent us from getting the help we need. This could also happen in your friend's relationships even though they seem "perfect."

Some of the stereotypes we need to be sure to educate against are:

1) Domestic violence only occurs in low income homes
         Domestic violence doesn't discriminate. It occurs in all socioeconomic status levels regardless of race or background. However, status has been associated with how one reacts to domestic violence. Those with a higher socioeconomic status tend to keep it more private, seeking help from doctors, therapists, lawyers, etc. While those who have fewer financial resources tend to call the police or local agencies. The majority of statistics you hear about come from these agencies and this causes a distorted image of the problem.

2) Domestic violence only happens to a small percentage of the population
         Domestic violence occurs in about 1/4 to 1/3 of all intimate relationships, including heterosexual and same-sex relationships. This is a staggering statistic! According to NCADV, 1 in every 4 women will experience domestic violence in their life time!

3) Domestic violence is a by-product of alcohol and drug use
         Many people who have drug and alcohol abuse problems are not batterers and many batterers don't have drug and alcohol abuse problems. However, it is often easier to blame a drug or alcohol rather than admit a partner is violent. This does not mean that the partner is not abusive when sober. This is part of coming to terms with what's going on. We need to realize being under the influence is not an excuse. 

4) Domestic violence is about the "loss of control" from the abuser
         Many people believe that the abuse becomes abusive when they "lose control" of their emotions.  This is not the case! Violent behavior is a conscious choice. The abuser knows exactly what they are doing when they are abusive. It's about utilizing their control over the victim, not losing it. Abuse is deliberate manipulation that the abuse is well aware of. 

Let's educate ourselves and those around us about these myths and realize that domestic violence can happen to anyone! 

For more myths about domestic violence, check out these links:
http://www.bu.edu/police/prevention/domestic_violence_myth.htm

http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Myths%20and%20Facts.htm

http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/myths.htm

Breaking the cycle

If you've been in or known someone in an abusive relationship, how many times did you think/hear "but it's better now," only for the relationship to end up back in that same abusive place, again and again.

Domestic violence is not typically a one time occurrence. IT IS A CYCLE. This is in part due to these "breaks" in the abuse where the victim may even believe it will never happen again.

The cycle of violence tool helps explain how victims are not able to remove themselves from their situation. Knowing that it is normal to get “stuck” in this cycle can help a victim realize they are not alone and they can start seeing this cycle for what it is; manipulation. As you can see in the cycle below, there are three main stages; the honeymoon stage, the tension building stage, and the acute explosion phase. Perpetrators and victims have different experiences and emotions at each stage.

The Honeymoon Stage:

This is typically the first stage of the cycle of violence. It is typically the relaxed, happy time in a relationship. If violence has occurred in the past, it is the break between incidents when the victim believes the perpetrator will change. This is the phase that is easy to remember for victims and keeps her in the relationship. This phase will also begin to disappear the longer the cycle continues.

During this phase
The victim may:

• Set up counseling for the abuser
• Drop legal proceedings
• Agree to return, stay or take him back
• Be hopeful or relieved
• Be happy

The abuser may:

• Apologize
• Promise it won’t happen again
• Justify the behavior
• Blame drugs or alcohol
• Declare love for the victim
• Want to be intimate
• Buy gifts
• Promise to get help
• Cry
• Threaten suicide

The Tension Building Stage

The next stage is the tension building stage and is characterized by emotional abuse. This is when the abuse is beginning to get agitated and has small outbursts towards the victim. The victim attempts to justify the abuser’s actions in order to deny what is about to happen. The victim may also detach herself emotionally. The victim can become exhausted by attempts to restore equilibrium. The abuser sees this as a time he can become more controlling and possessive. This is often the longest stage.


During this phase,
The victim:

• Attempts to calm the abuser
• Tries to reason with the abuser
• Tries to satisfy the abuser with food, gifts, etc.
• Agrees with the abuser
• Avoids the abuser
• Withdraws from close relationships
• Is compliant
• Nurtures the abuser

The abuser:

• Is sensitive and easily set off
• Nitpicks
• Yells
• Withholds affection
• Puts down the victim
• Threatens
• Has erratic behavior
• Destroys property
• Accuses the victim of unfaithfulness
• Isolates the victim
• Engages the victim in arguments

Acute Explosion Phase

The final stage, acute explosion stage, is the actual incidence of violent outburst. This is often the shortest stage; characterized by a particularly bad blow up. Over time, this stage will begin to occur more frequently and intensely.

During this stage,
The victim may:

• Protect self
• Try to reason & calm the abuser
• Or may not call the police
• Leave
• Fight back

The abuser may:

• Verbally abuse and humiliate
• Slap, punch, kick, choke, grab
• Force sex
• Prevent the victim from calling the police
• Prevent the victim from leaving
• Harass & abuse children
• Restrain the victim
• Stalk the victim
• Use weapons
• Throw objects

Factors that perpetuate the cycle:

Denial:
At the center of the cycle is denial. Denial is what keeps this cycle going. Denial that anything is wrong, denial that it will happen again, denial that it could ever escalate to something more.
Control:
At times you will see control in the center of the cycle as well.  The control an abuser can place over a victim can initiate such fear and confusion in a victim that it too can perpetuate the cycle.

The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

Showing a victim of domestic violence this cycle can help normalize her experience. Showing this to an abuser can help them to realize the cycle and control they have put on their partner.

The worse case scenario is if this cycle is never interrupted and it results in critical injury or death. We need to make sure victims of domestic violence can recognize that this is a cycle and it is not likely going to end, especially "magically" on it’s own. They need strength, support, as well as safety in order to decide to break the cycle.

Spreading awareness helps break the cycle!

When is it abuse?

So many individuals see their partners jealousy or "slight control" as love or even cute. If this is the case, what do you consider abuse? Domestic violence is too common in today's communities. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. If that isn’t shocking enough, consider that one-third of all female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner.

Considering the prevalence and the fact that domestic violence is one of the most chronically under-reported crimes, we as individuals and friends, family, etc. need to be on the look-out for warning signs of domestic violence. The most telling sign of domestic abuse is fear of one’s partner.  But there are plenty of other questions that one can ask in order to analyze the relationship they are in:

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Do you:
▪   feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
▪   avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
▪   feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
▪   believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
▪   wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
▪   feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Does your partner:
▪   humiliate or yell at you?
▪   criticize you and put you down?
▪   treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
▪   ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
▪   blame you for their own abusive behavior?
▪   see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats
Does your partner:
▪   have a bad and unpredictable temper?
▪   hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
▪   threaten to take your children away or harm them?
▪   threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
▪   force you to have sex?
▪   destroy your belongings?
Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
▪   act excessively jealous and possessive?
▪   control where you go or what you do?
▪   keep you from seeing your friends or family?
▪   limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
▪   constantly check up on you?

The more “yes” responses someone has to these questions, the more likely they are in an abusive relationship.

As a concerned friend, sibling, parent, you may ask yourself what should you be looking for in order to detect domestic violence. Here are some ideas for what to pay attention to if you suspect domestic violence. Knowing these aspects of abuse may also help guide an uncomfortable conversation when you suspect domestic violence.
People who are being abused may:

• Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner
• Go along with everything their partner says and does
• Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they are doing
• Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partners
• Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

People who are being physically abused may:

• Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of accidents
• Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation
• Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g., wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors)

People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

• Be restricted from seeing family and friends
• Rarely go out in public without their partner
• Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car

People who are being psychologically abused may:

• Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident
• Show major personality changes (e.g., an outgoing person becomes withdrawn)
• Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

So you’ve identified that someone you know may possibly be experiencing domestic violence. What should and shouldn’t you do now?
Do:

• Ask if something is wrong
• Express concern
• Listen and validate
• Offer help
• Support his or her decisions

Don’t:

• Wait for him or her to come to you
• Judge or blame
• Give advice
• Place conditions on your support

The information provided here was all obtained from the NCADV and HelpGuide.org, a nonprofit organization aimed at reducing domestic violence.

Check out this link for more statistics about domestic violence from NCADV:

http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf

National DV Awareness month begins

So, today officially starts the National DV Awareness Month. Although awareness should be spread year round, now is the time you have a reason to talk about it! If you've been wanting to talk to someone but have been nervous or just not known how to start it, you have an excuse now!

Ways to start showing your support and spreading awareness:

• Wear a purple ribbon! Purple ribbons represent DV awareness and when people ask what your ribbon is for, there is your opportunity to educate!
• Simply wear purple! Again if you wear purple over and over again, this will make people question "what's with the purple?" And, again, there's your opportunity.
• Post on facebook, twitter, etc. about DV awareness month. Offer an invite for people to ask you questions. 
• Attend events going on this month. You can check schedules of your local DV support teams by finding them online.
• Donate to your local DV task forces, homes, etc. Whether it's a financial donation or a donation of time by volunteering, these non-profit organizations can probably use all the help they can get! And they do such good work for those trying to escape a bad situation.
• Educate yourself on the topic! If you seem knowledgeable, someone in need may feel more comfortable confiding in you. You don't have to know it all but be open to learning! 

Most importantly, don't be afraid to talk about it. Yes, it's not a comfortable topic to talk about. But that is one of the reasons people in these situations don't confide in anyone. You have to start the conversation and open up about the tough stuff. Be understanding of how scary it is for someone to say they are being abused. Educate yourself and open up to those around you.

What if that person sitting next to you in the office is being abused and hasn't known how or who to tell. All of a sudden, you start talking about your purple ribbon and what it stands for and educating others in the office. That person suddenly realizes that people are on her/his side and they finally have an opportunity to confide in someone!

Periodically this month, I will post educational posts and materials to help you educate yourself more on the topic. If you have anything to add, please feel free to comment!

How else can you show support and spread awareness? Have you ever had an experience spreading awareness you want to share? Comment below and let us know!