When is it abuse?

So many individuals see their partners jealousy or "slight control" as love or even cute. If this is the case, what do you consider abuse? Domestic violence is too common in today's communities. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. If that isn’t shocking enough, consider that one-third of all female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner.

Considering the prevalence and the fact that domestic violence is one of the most chronically under-reported crimes, we as individuals and friends, family, etc. need to be on the look-out for warning signs of domestic violence. The most telling sign of domestic abuse is fear of one’s partner.  But there are plenty of other questions that one can ask in order to analyze the relationship they are in:

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Do you:
▪   feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
▪   avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
▪   feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
▪   believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
▪   wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
▪   feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Does your partner:
▪   humiliate or yell at you?
▪   criticize you and put you down?
▪   treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
▪   ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
▪   blame you for their own abusive behavior?
▪   see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats
Does your partner:
▪   have a bad and unpredictable temper?
▪   hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
▪   threaten to take your children away or harm them?
▪   threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
▪   force you to have sex?
▪   destroy your belongings?
Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
▪   act excessively jealous and possessive?
▪   control where you go or what you do?
▪   keep you from seeing your friends or family?
▪   limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
▪   constantly check up on you?

The more “yes” responses someone has to these questions, the more likely they are in an abusive relationship.

As a concerned friend, sibling, parent, you may ask yourself what should you be looking for in order to detect domestic violence. Here are some ideas for what to pay attention to if you suspect domestic violence. Knowing these aspects of abuse may also help guide an uncomfortable conversation when you suspect domestic violence.
People who are being abused may:

• Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner
• Go along with everything their partner says and does
• Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they are doing
• Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partners
• Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

People who are being physically abused may:

• Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of accidents
• Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation
• Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g., wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors)

People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

• Be restricted from seeing family and friends
• Rarely go out in public without their partner
• Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car

People who are being psychologically abused may:

• Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident
• Show major personality changes (e.g., an outgoing person becomes withdrawn)
• Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

So you’ve identified that someone you know may possibly be experiencing domestic violence. What should and shouldn’t you do now?
Do:

• Ask if something is wrong
• Express concern
• Listen and validate
• Offer help
• Support his or her decisions

Don’t:

• Wait for him or her to come to you
• Judge or blame
• Give advice
• Place conditions on your support

The information provided here was all obtained from the NCADV and HelpGuide.org, a nonprofit organization aimed at reducing domestic violence.

Check out this link for more statistics about domestic violence from NCADV:

http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf