Speaking in Generalities

I feel this is a necessary post. For today, I want to back up and broaden our discussion to violence in general. It seems the world is becoming more and more violent, and with incidents such as the Boston bombings, you can't ignore it. Now, whether the world has always been this violent (here in the U.S. or in other countries) and media now publicizes it more or if the world is actually growing in violent behavior is beyond me. But either way, this world is becoming a terrifying place. I wish there was a cure all for the violence we witness every day, but there's not. So what can we do?

I go back to the media. Media does it's job; reports on breaking news. However, the media reports on events that get viewers. Therefore, the media portrays the worst of society because that is supposedly what the viewers want. Really? People want to see about murders and shootouts every day? I know I don't and that's why I make the choice to not watch the news daily. But that's just me.

So, if the media reports on what the viewers want, why do the viewers want to see violence? It is in my opinion that today's society breeds violence. Think about it. From a young age, kids are exposed to not only the news with "real world" violence and family violence in the home but video games, music, movies, and television shows that incorporate violence into everyday things and make it enjoyable. Even cartoons are violent! Children today are always in front of some sort of electronic something; portable DVD players, gaming systems at home, computers, televisions, hand held gaming systems, smartphones, etc., etc.

So here's where I get a little scientific. I recently conducted a research study in which I looked the relationship between violent media exposure and later aggression. My research supported the idea that exposure to violent media actually affects the thinking patterns individuals have and therefore affecting later aggression. Although this was true for all types of violent media, video games had the strongest relationship.  Think about it, so many of the popular games today are violence based such as Grand Theft Auto, Call of Duty, and so many more. These games put the player in a first person shooter environment where the player actually looks like they are shooting a gun from their chair AND THEN these players are rewarded for killing the opponent or target by winning a game, gaining points, etc. If playing these violent video games as a child changes the thinking patterns of that child to be more criminogenic in nature, and possibly resulting in increased aggression as an adult...WHY DO WE LET OUR CHILDREN BE EXPOSED?! There is plenty of research out there that demonstrates the more someone is exposed to violence, the more desensitized they become. This should not be okay either. When we feel ourselves becoming desensitized to violence, that should tell us something. We should never be okay with seeing violence.

Now, I don't have kids. I don't have to face the difficult decision to tell my child no or punish my child for disobeying me. But, I feel parents have a responsibility to their child and to society to monitor what their children say, do, watch, etc. If there is even a chance something could alter my child's thinking patterns to be okay with violence, they aren't going to be doing it!

I know this post may seem a little venty or even preachy, and I apologize for that, but I cannot imagine the world continuing to go in the direction it is. THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE. And that change is going to have to start with us; explore how you feel about seeing violence in the media, how do you feel about violent movies and shows, violent video games. Make a decision on what you will and will not tolerate based on your beliefs. Once you understand these beliefs, you can pass down your values to your children. By doing this, change will then start to affect future generations. And that is the only way to change society. Do your research on violent media and the effect it has on brain functioning before you buy that new hot game that's out or that new movie that shows how the "hero" shoots everyone in his/her way. Lets stop breeding violence and start breeding empathy, kindness, and understanding in and out of our homes.

This may be controversial, and I truly believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion, so I respect you all. Please feel free to comment, even if you disagree.

What is VAWA?

You may have heard about VAWA in the news lately, but what is VAWA and how can it help?

VAWA is the Violence Against Women Act. Originally, it was created to provide resources for investigation and prosecution of violent crimes against women. Since it was created, the act has been expanded to include stalking and dating violence. This act has offered many grants that fund services victims desperately need.

Here are some of the accomplishments of the original act (as reported by thehotline.org):

• Creating new system responses – VAWA programs, funding and law reforms have changed federal, tribal, state and local responses to domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault and stalking by:
• Securing buy-in from formerly unengaged systems, like law enforcement, courts, and social services
• Creating a federal leadership role that has encouraged tribes, states and local government to improve responses to victims and perpetrators
• Establishing new federal crimes of domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking to fill in jurisdictional gaps in prosecuting these crimes
• Defining the crimes of domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault and stalking, as well as identifying promising practices to respond to these crimes
• Focusing on the needs of underserved communities, such as immigrant and Native American women

Seeing how this act can help those affected by domestic violence, it is hard to understand why reauthorization has been a debate, but it has been! Many of the issues that cause disagreement is extending the act to same-sex couples and undocumented immigrants. Now, no matter your views on those two topics, doesn't everyone deserve protection from possible death? 

VAWA passed in the Senate today! Next, the act has to go to the House, and then to the President. Expansion of this will reach same-sex couples and immigrants, Native Americans, victims on college campuses, and communities of color. Hopeful improvements will be providing additional support to the services and facilities that offer assistance to victims and stronger housing/shelter options for victims. 

It is so important that this act is reauthorized and expanded! Today was the first step, the Senate passed it and we hope to see it continue into the House. 

If you're not sure on why VAWA is so important, please take the time to listen to this story. I have never heard domestic violence explained so well before. It is touching, heart breaking, and chilling.

If you would like additional information on VAWA, check out one of the following links:

The Hotline provides the progression of VAWA through each reauthorization and, I believe, show why each time reauthorization occurs, it only gets better.
NNEDVdiscusses the current status of VAWA and updates with new legislation.

The shocking truth

It still amazes how often domestic abuse happens. The statistic is currently that 1 in 3 women will be affected by domestic abuse within their lifetime. 1 in 3! Think of your 2 closest friends, one of you are likely to experience to domestic violence! This is absolutely terrifying to me! 

Ever since Shannon passed away and I started sharing her story, more and more people are coming to me telling me there stories. I just can't believe how many people have gone through domestic violence; people I've known, people withing my circle of my friends.  I have heard the statistics a million times, I have written the statistics a million times but until you start hearing the stories, you don't get the full effect of how frequently this occurs. 

I want to share some trends that I have noticed within every person's story.

1) It typically starts with manipulation and control, but is hardly noticble.

2) The person being abused doesn't even notice it's happening until they are too invested in the relationship.

3) The relationship typically starts out as a whirlwind romance.

4) The relationship moves at an accelerated pace.

5) No matter the type of abuse, emotional, physical, financial control, interpersonal control, manipulation, belittling and humiliation, the abused is scarred so deeply it is hard to know how to react.

6) Isolation becomes the new "normal."

7) Emotions commonly expressed by the abused: embarrassment, fear, shame, guilt, defensiveness, resentment.

8) These emotions follow the abused into future relationships

9) Once the person gets the strength to talk about what's happened, a sense of empowerment overtakes these emotions. These emotions are still there, but healing can slowly begin.

I'm sure there are more trends, but for now, these are the ones that have been most noticeable to me. I can't imagine sitting by and letting these trends continue in the ones I love. It breaks my heart with every story I hear that someone has to go through this; but, I have empathy for them because I too was once in an abusive relationship and had all of these characteristics in my relationship. 

As this blog continues, I look forward to sharing others' stories and offer a chance for the abused to feel empowered by talking about their experience. I hope this can be an outlet for those who want to share, to gain some healing and offer support to others who may be going through a similar situation. If you have interest in sharing your story, please contact me.

Remember, it starts with knowing you deserve better.

Facts about Domestic Violence

Now, I can't take credit for this blog post. I found this posting on another website and felt the need to share the shocking statistics it discusses. Quotes will indicate portions taken from the original article found here: 

\http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soraya-chemaly/50-actual-facts-about-dom_b_2193904.html

"In the time it takes me to write this paragraph, 26 people -- given our statistics probably all women -- will be assaulted by an intimate partner in the U.S. In the roughly 48 hours between my writing and posting, at least six women in the US and hundreds if not thousands around the world will be killed by violent spouses."

This is an unimaginable, unacceptable statement. How can we sit by and let statistics like this exist and even continue to get worse?! We can't. It's up to me, to you, to our community, and our government to intervene and make sure it doesn't continue to increase!

"the U.S. is squarely in the middle of the global pack as far as the physical safety of women is concerned, and a large part of the reason why is our high rates of intimate partner and domestic violence....the worldwide proliferation of small arms exponentially increases the threats that women and children face. This is a special problem in the U.S. where, although we are not a militarized zone in technical terms, we rank No. 1 in the world for guns/per capita, with 88 guns/100 people -- far exceeding the second on the list, Serbia, at 58.2/100. Access to firearms increases the chance of deadly domestic violence five-fold in the U.S. Internationally, especially in militarized areas where people are actively engaged in warfare or where the state is abusive and heavily armed, the threats are far greater."

Now, I am not trying to start a gun control battle by re-posting that last statement. But, seriously if a gun is not in the house, how is one going to use a gun against another. I for one understand those who want to protect themselves, especially since the bad guys will still have guns. I also understand that guns don't kill people by themselves. But you can't deny the truth behind household guns increasing the chance of deadly domestic violence, especially if domestic violence is already taking place.  

"I often hear something along these lines: if only these women would just LEAVE their abusers. It's simple. A matter of poor choices and female weakness. In addition, everyone knows, women "gold diggers and frauds" lie about these things..."

I have posted about stereotypes in the past as well as common misconceptions surrounding domestic violence. I cannot tell you how angry I get when I hear someone say 'well, she should just leave.' Those words...just leave...tells me that you don't understand what's going on. I hope to educate those people who think the best advice is 'just leave' so that they are better prepared to help someone being abused. Those words can make someone shut off from you so quick and that is not what we want! We want to make sure we are understanding and empathetic to what they are going through...not cold-hearted advice givers.

Now I know how it is to read long blog posts. This post is more about spreading awareness of the problem; making it clear that this is a world-wide, community issue. I want to end with the 50 facts that were posted in the article but I encourage you to read the original article at the link posted above as there is much I left out. As I stated before, awareness starts with understanding the scope of the problem. Then we can learn how to combat it.

50 Facts About Domestic Violence

1. Number of U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq: 6,614:
2. Number of women, in the same period, killed as the result of domestic violence in the US: 11,766
3. Number of people per minute who experience intimate partner violence in the U.S.: 24
4. Number of workplace violence incidents in the U.S. annually that are the result of current or past intimate partner assaults: 18,700
5. Number of women in the U.S. who report intimate partner violence: 1 in 4
6. Number of men in the U.S. who report intimate partner violence: 1 in 7*
7. Number of women who will experience partner violence worldwide: 1 in 3
8. Order of causes of death for European women ages 16-44: domestic violence, cancer, traffic accidents
9. Increase in likelihood that a woman will die a violent death if a gun in present in the home: 270 percent
10. Number of women killed by spouses who were shot by guns kept by men in the home in France and South Africa: 1 in 3
11. Percentage of the 900 million small arms that are kept in the home, worldwide: 75
12. Country in which 943 women were killed in honor killings in 2011: Pakistan
13. City in which man "butchered" his wife in front of their six children in 2012: Berlin
14. States in which man decapitated his wife with a chainsaw in 2010 and another man did the same, respectively: Texas and New York
15. Percentages of people killed in the U.S. by an intimate partner: 30 percent of women, 5.3 percent of men.
16. Number of gay and transsexual men who experience domestic violence in the U.S.: 2 in 5 (similar to heterosexual women)
17. Percentage of the 31 Senate votes cast against the Violence Against Women Act that came from older, white, male Republicans: 95.8
18. Percentage of the 31 Senate votes cast against the Violence Against Women Act that came from a younger, male Republicans, at least one of whom sits on the Science Committee but is unable to say how old the Earth is: 4.2
19. Number of legal, medical, professional, faith-based and advocacy groups that signed a letter protesting the stripped-down VAWA: 300
20. First year that the Republican-led House of Representatives eroded VAWA of provisions designed to increase protections for Native Americans, immigrant women, members of the LGTBQ community and, yes, men: 2012
21. Estimated number of children, worldwide, exposed to domestic violence everyday: 10,000,000
22. Worldwide, likelihood that a man who grew up in a household with domestic violence grows up to be an abuser: 3 to 4 times more likely than if he hadn't.
23. Chance that a girl of high school age in the U.S. experiences violence in a dating relationship: 1 in 3
24. Percentage of teen rape and abuse victims who report their assailant as an intimate: 76
25. Percentage of U.S. cities citing domestic abuse as the primary cause of homelessness: 50
26. Percentage of homeless women reporting domestic abuse: 63
27. Percentage of homeless women with children reporting domestic abuse: 92
28. Percentage of women with disabilities who report violence: 40
29. Annual cost of domestic violence in the U.S. related to health care: $5.8 billion
30. Annual cost of domestic violence in the U.S. related to emergency care plus legal costs, police work, lost productivity: 37 billion dollars
31. Annual number of jobs lost in the U.S. as a result of intimate partner violence: 32,000
32. Percentage change between 1980 and 2008 of women and men killed by intimate partners in the U.S.: (w) 43 percent to 45 percent; (m) 10 percent to 5 percent
33. Average cost of emergency care for domestic abuse related incidents for women and men according to the CDC: $948.00 for women, $387 for men
34. Increase in portrayals of violence against girls and women on network TV during a five year period ending in 2009: 120 percent
35. The number one cause of death for African American women ages 15-34 according to the American Bar Association: homicide at the hands of a partner
36. Chance that a lesbian** in the U.S. will experience domestic (not necessarily intimate partner) violence: 50 percent
37. Chances that a gay man experiences domestic violence: 2 out of 5*
38. Ratio of women shot and killed by a husband or intimate partner compared to the total number of murders of men by strangers using any time of weapon, from 2002 homicide figures: 3X
39. Number of people who will be stalked in their lifetimes: 1 in 45 men and 1 in 12 women (broken out: 17 percent of American Indian and Alaska Native women; 8.2 percent of white women, 6.5 pecent of African American women, and 4.5 percent of Asian/Pacific Islander women)
40. Percentage of stalkers identified as known to victims: 90.3
41. Percentage of abused women in the U.S. who report being strangled by a spouse in the past year: 33 to 47.3 (this abuse often leaves no physical signs)
42. According to one study, percentage of domestic abuse victims who are tried to leave after less severe violent and nonviolent instances of abuse: 66 versus less than 25
43. Average number of times an abuser hits his spouse before she makes a police report: 35
44. No. 1 and No. 2 causes of women's deaths during pregnancy in the U.S.: Domestic homicide and suicide, often tied to abuse
45. Number of women killed by spouses who were shot by guns kept by men in the home in the United States: 2 in 3
46. Percentage of rape and sexual assault victims under the age of 18 who are raped by a family member: 34
47. Number of women killed everyday in the U.S. by a spouse: 3+
48. The primary reason cited by right-wing conservatives for objecting to the Violence Against Women Act: To protect the family.
49. Percentage reduction in reports of violence after men and women in South Africa went through an educational training program on health, domestic violence and gender norms: 55
50. Number of members of Congress who have gone through an educational training program on health, economics, violence, and gender norms: 0

How can you spread awareness today? How can we resolve this issue as a community? These statistics are staggering and unacceptable! I challenge you to do one thing a day, or even a week, that will help decrease violence in your community. How are you going to do it? Share it with us!

A painful journey

Today my best friend would have been 27 years old. I still celebrate her life even though on June 5, 2011 her life was taken by the hands of someone who “loved” her.  Even the most basic, stripped down version of love cannot comprehend hurting the person you say you love.  Shannon was a wonderful person who cared only for others and put herself last. Her family, kids, and friends were always her priority. That was true love. Birthdays, anniversaries, and major life events are all still so hard to deal with when they come.  It’s not fair that she and we must suffer because of the selfish act of someone else. But the purpose of this blog is to share her story and to eventually make sure no one else has to experience what Shannon went through.

It’s still so hard to believe she is no longer here. We spent so much time together, had so many memories, so many laughs. It seems I discover something new around my house or car or somewhere at least weekly from our time together. I cherish these mementos.

A few pictures from the past...

 

One thing I can say for sure is that our experience with losing Shannon has given me more empathy than I ever though imaginable for others going through something similar.  For those of you who are in the healing process, or those of you who are experiencing violence, please know that you’re not alone. There is a whole community that is ready and willing to be there for you. To get a little personal, I remember feeling that there was no way the pain would get easier, I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. I felt like the world I knew was crumbling, like I was losing my mind. I couldn’t concentrate; I barely remember the healing process. I feel there are a couple months in there that I’m missing from my memory. I went into survival mode, I think, walking around and doing my routine but not realizing it.  I felt so alone, like no one could understand how I felt like I was going crazy, screaming on the inside with grief. I’m here to tell you that this is normal! The word I was dying to hear at the time…normal. What I was feeling was normal.

No one should have to feel this way. Let’s make our generation the last to have to deal with the aftermath of domestic violence. It doesn’t have to be this way. But, domestic violence is a community issue and it will take the whole community to stop it. SPEAK UP…IT COULD SAVE A LIFE!

To be a little cliché, think about how 1 Corinthians 13 defines love. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Even if you are not religious, this is the definition of love. Does your relationship fit these guidelines or are you experiencing a love is quick to anger, manipulative, dangerous, and even painful? Are you being put down instead of built up? That is not love.

Remember me...

I apologize for the lapse of time since the last post. But as I was trying to decide what to write for this post, I came across this poem and it really spoke to me. It captures the fear, shame, and guilt that many victims experience; those feelings that keep them quiet...until it's too late. Remember those we've lost to domestic violence and let not their lives be in vain. We will never forget Shannon's story as those who have experienced similar events will not forget the names of those they loved and lost.

“REMEMBER MY NAME”

When you remember my walk upon this earth

Look not into my steps with pity.

When you taste the tears of my journey

Notice how they fill my foot prints

Not my spirit

For that remains with me.

My story must be told

Must remain in conscious memory

So my daughters won’t cry my tears

Or follow my tortured legacy.

Lovin’ is a tricky thing

If it doesn’t come from a healthy place,

If Lovin’ Doesn’t FIRST practice on self it will act like a stray bullet not caring what it hits

You may say:

Maybe I should’ve loved him a little less

Maybe I should’ve loved me a little more,

Maybe I should’ve not believed he’d never hit me again.

All those maybes will not bring me back– not right his wrong.

My life was not his to take.

As your eyes glance my name

Understand once I breathed

Walked

Loved

just like you.

I wish for all who glance my name

To know love turned fear – kept me there

Loved twisted to fear,

Kept me in a chokehold

Cut off my air

Blurred my vision I couldn’t see how to break free.

I shoulda told my family

I shoulda told my friends

I shoulda got that CPO

Before the police let him go

But all those shoulda’s can’t bring me back when I lied so well

To cover the shame

To hide the signs.

If my death had to show what love isn’t

If my death had to show that love shouldn’t hurt

If my death had to make sure another woman told a friend instead of holding it in

If my death reminds you how beautiful, how worthy you really are

If my death reminds you to honor all you are daily

Then remember my name

Shout it from the center of your soul

Wake me in my grave

Let ME know

My LIVING was not in vain.

By Kimberly A. Collins

Don't let Awareness end

As we end the month of October, I want to urge you all not to end the war on domestic violence. Simply because awareness month ends, does not mean we get to end spreading awareness.  This is a community issue that requires continued attention, discussion, and awareness. 

The best way to prevent and end domestic violence is to speak up and speak out! 

Don't let another person fall victim of domestic violence simply because October is over. 

Please continue the fight to help those you know and those you may not have met yet.

Help our future communities be free of domestic violence by being aware year round!

I found this prayer written by Rev. Dr. Aleese Moore-Orbih

I thought it was fitting to end Domestic Violence Awareness Month with 

A Prayer for Continued Courage

 

"Creator, sustainer, lover of our minds, bodies and souls:

We are grateful for strength, determination, family, 

friends and resources to continue this sacred work.

We thank you that evil will not prevail but love and justice will.

We thank you that death does not have the final word; 

that friends, colleagues, sisters, mothers, daughters, 

nieces whose earthly lives were stolen from us live on

in spirit in the work we do, the prayers we offer 

and the compassion we share.

We thank you that the power of your grace has brought 

so many women out of abusive relationships. We thank you

that you continue to hold them in the palms of your 

hands protecting and sustaining them. We pray for 

continued healing of their body, mind and spirit

that they might be totally free to live life abundantly.

We pray for those who remain trapped to receive help 

and support; that you would make a way out of no way.

We pray for the many children who live and have lived in 

violent homes; those who have witnessed their fathers and

other men hurt their moms, aunts and sisters.

We pray for healing of their bodies, minds and spirits. 

We pray that they will not be shaped by violent 

environments, but by liberation, healing and justice and

that they would transcend the oppression they have experienced.

Finally, we ask for continued courage to stand against all 

forms of oppression and violence in our world. We ask that 

you knit out hearts, vision and even strategies together

across organizational lines to end violence against women and children.

In hope,

Amen"

No matter your belief, no matter your higher power, this prayer is one of peace and love.

I hope you have found inspiration, love, encouragement, and most of all, hope this October. 

Join us in the fight against domestic violence so that stories, such as Shannon's, do not go unheard. Those we have lost deserve to be remembered and honored.  They would want us to help prevent domestic violence from continuing.

We must not stay silent any longer!