The Black Dot Campaign...Exposed

So, I have seen a few people post the following on Facebook and other social media sites:

I have had so many thoughts about this, I thought I would write a post. In theory, this would be wonderful! Just think, if victims had a way to silently ask for help with their abuser present...so many problems would be solved and so many lives would be saved. However, as we know, theory doesn't always translate to practice.

My first thought when I started seeing this was one of hope then it was quickly followed by skepticism. Here are the problems with a campaign like this:

Firstly, the person on the other side of the black dot has to know what the black dot means AND receive the signal that help is needed AND take action to get that person to safety. So, this piqued my interest and I started doing some searching on the campaign...Basically, no professionals have been made aware or trained on what the black dot means; leaving it meaningless in many settings.

Secondly, say we wanted to educate people on the black dot means...the best way to do this is to use social media outlets because more than just doctors, therapists, etc would need to know what it meant if it were going to truly work. However, educating the masses means you're also educating the abusers! So, now, an abuser knows to check the hands of the victims before going anywhere, possibly resulting in bigger ramifications if black dots are found.

The end result, in my opinion, is to use this "campaign" as a way to spread awareness and get people talking but please do not encourage people to do something that could possibly harm them. I don't want to discourage use of campaigns like this but I do want people to think more deeply and use good judgement. Any campaign that starts a conversation is a good one, in my opinion! So keep sharing and keep offering your help in whatever way you can! Some sites say the campaign has addressed some of these concerns by stating victims know their abusers and what would put them in more harm but that's not always the case. Abuse can escalate and can escalate quickly, especially if a new trigger is introduced or the abuser finds something that makes him/her feel like he/she is losing control. So the bottom line, stay aware, stay educated, and stay safe! Reach out for help if you need it and don't stay silent. Raise awareness in any way you can but be sure to promote safety as well!

Domestic Violence awareness month is coming up! Let's spread the word and get talking!

Dmestic Violence Awareness Month!!!

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month! Although awareness should be spread all year, October is the time to really get the word out and it gives everyone an excuse to educate others on DV!

There are many ways to start spreading DV awareness with the simplest being wear a purple ribbon. Purple is the color for DV awareness and when someone asks you what the ribbon is for, the door is open to educate and spread the word! Another way is social media. Everyone is on social media daily. This month, why not take 30 seconds to update your status or tweet about domestic violence; a current statistic, a link to a helpful resource, or an encouraging post to those who need help letting them know it's time to speak up!

One ongoing campaign is the "No More" campaign. Their slogan is "NO MORE excuses, NO MORE silence, NO MORE violence." You can see their current PSAs here and share them on your facebook/Twitter/LinkedIn/etc. How easy is that?!

If you are local, please consider coming to the DV candlelight vigil held by Cherokee Family Violence Center on 10/8/13 at 6:30 pm in Canton, GA. Click here for additional information. This is an amazing, emotional tribute to those lost to domestic violence. CFVC is one of the places Shannon reached out to and they have honored her memory the last 2 years. They do amazing work and consider them to be a wonderful resource for those in need of help!

This is a short post but please consider sharing it and spreading the word about DV this month. If you need a purple ribbon, contact me. I have plenty that I can share if you don't want to buy or make one yourself. You need multiple to hand out to others? That's fine too! I'll send you plenty!

Make this month count! Possibly SAVE A LIFE!

A Special Post

Firstly, I want to apologize for the length of time without a post. I have been wanting to sit down and write a specific post for a while now, and this seems like a good time to do it.

As the 2 year mark approaches of the day we lost Shannon, awareness is more and more important to me. Another thing the last 2 years has taught is how many of my friends have been affected by domestic violence. As soon as my advocacy started, people began talking to me and confiding in me about their own experiences. This demonstrates that when you open your heart and ears to others, they will talk! There is no reason we can't be there to support others in their time of trouble when all it takes it making it OK to talk about it.

With that being said, one of my friends recently came to me asking to share her story publicly so that she can find healing as well as help others who have been in similar situations. I hope sharing her story will help her in her journey as well as make it OK for others to seek help and maybe even normalize their experience. The following post was written by Emily Banton Halstead and, may I say, I admire your bravery in sharing this so publicly.

Here is her story:

Coming Out

"In the era of gay rights and women’s rights and everything in between, this shouldn’t be so hard. If people make national news and are applauded for “coming out”, then why is this so crippling for me?

I’m a victim of domestic abuse.

He never laid a hand on me, but sometimes the scars you can’t see are the ones that hurt the worst. They are the ones that are hardest to talk about and take the longest to heal. I was raised by a single mom. She is the strongest person I know, and she raised me to be that way, too. So how did I end up here? I wasn’t abused growing up, I got straight A’s, I graduated from high school and college, and I didn’t do drugs.

When I fell in love with Rob*, it was a complete whirlwind. It was fast, it was hard, and I was completely swept away. I thought he could do no wrong. I molded myself into what I thought he wanted me to be. I let my friends go, I let my family go, and in turn, they all stood by helplessly watching me become someone I wasn’t. Rob eventually began telling me how to wear my hair, how to do my makeup, what clothes to wear, who I could see and who I couldn’t see, who I could talk to and who I couldn’t. We did things he wanted to do. We only saw movies he liked, we only went to things he wanted to go to. I worked full time (and overtime) to pay all our bills so he could spend his money on beer and liquor and going out. I kept the house clean, and I took care of all his needs. In turn he belittled me, humiliated me, and made me feel like the smallest person in the world. He didn’t believe in me, and somewhere along the way I quit believing in me, too.

After nearly three years of this, something inside me snapped. I went to a doctor and got on a mild anti-depressant and began reconnecting with my friends and family. I began to look like me again, and I began to feel like me again. I’m still trying to figure out how I got there and why. Its embarrassing; I’m not a weak person. A good friend and LPC told me “Most of the time, the other party is so good at manipulation that they may not even realize its abuse, so think about how hard it is for you to figure it out”. I’m still recovering, I’m still figuring out how I got there, I’m still dealing with the aftermath. I may never understand exactly why or how, but it gave me a purpose in life and taught me lessons far more valuable than something I could ever learn in a book or a class.

So where am I today? I have amazing friends. I have a family who stands firmly behind me and is proud of me. I have a good job that pays my bills. And yes, I’m dating someone new. He believes in me and makes me feel like I’m worth it every single day. I still struggle with self-doubt on a daily basis, and unfortunately there are even moments where I miss Rob. Emotional abuse isn’t something you instantly get over. It’s a long healing process that takes time.

I would love to sit here and say that if you’re a victim get help and if you know someone who is a victim try to help them, but it doesn’t work that way. Its not that easy when it comes to the mind and the heart. So, if you are a victim, have faith in yourself and know that you are stronger than you believe. And if you know someone who may be a victim, have faith in that person, don’t give up on them, and don’t desert them in their crippling time of need."

Thank you Emily for sharing your story. I know how hard it is to put yourself out there. Almost right after I read Emily's story, I read this in the 5 Love Languages and thought it appropriate to end this post with this to think about:

"A doormat is an inanimate object. You can wipe your feet on it, step on it, kick it around, or whatever you like. It has no will of its own. It can be your servant but not your lover. When we treat our spouses as objects, we preclude the possibility of love. Manipulation by guilt is not the language of love. Coercion by fear is alien to love. No person should ever be a doormat. We may allow ourselves to be used, but we are in fact creatures of emotion, thoughts, and desires. And we have the ability to make decisions and take action. Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. It is, in fact, an act of treason. You are allowing him or her to develop inhumane habits. Love says 'I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me.'"

Please show Emily your support in this difficult task by sharing this post with others and commenting below.

Speaking in Generalities

I feel this is a necessary post. For today, I want to back up and broaden our discussion to violence in general. It seems the world is becoming more and more violent, and with incidents such as the Boston bombings, you can't ignore it. Now, whether the world has always been this violent (here in the U.S. or in other countries) and media now publicizes it more or if the world is actually growing in violent behavior is beyond me. But either way, this world is becoming a terrifying place. I wish there was a cure all for the violence we witness every day, but there's not. So what can we do?

I go back to the media. Media does it's job; reports on breaking news. However, the media reports on events that get viewers. Therefore, the media portrays the worst of society because that is supposedly what the viewers want. Really? People want to see about murders and shootouts every day? I know I don't and that's why I make the choice to not watch the news daily. But that's just me.

So, if the media reports on what the viewers want, why do the viewers want to see violence? It is in my opinion that today's society breeds violence. Think about it. From a young age, kids are exposed to not only the news with "real world" violence and family violence in the home but video games, music, movies, and television shows that incorporate violence into everyday things and make it enjoyable. Even cartoons are violent! Children today are always in front of some sort of electronic something; portable DVD players, gaming systems at home, computers, televisions, hand held gaming systems, smartphones, etc., etc.

So here's where I get a little scientific. I recently conducted a research study in which I looked the relationship between violent media exposure and later aggression. My research supported the idea that exposure to violent media actually affects the thinking patterns individuals have and therefore affecting later aggression. Although this was true for all types of violent media, video games had the strongest relationship.  Think about it, so many of the popular games today are violence based such as Grand Theft Auto, Call of Duty, and so many more. These games put the player in a first person shooter environment where the player actually looks like they are shooting a gun from their chair AND THEN these players are rewarded for killing the opponent or target by winning a game, gaining points, etc. If playing these violent video games as a child changes the thinking patterns of that child to be more criminogenic in nature, and possibly resulting in increased aggression as an adult...WHY DO WE LET OUR CHILDREN BE EXPOSED?! There is plenty of research out there that demonstrates the more someone is exposed to violence, the more desensitized they become. This should not be okay either. When we feel ourselves becoming desensitized to violence, that should tell us something. We should never be okay with seeing violence.

Now, I don't have kids. I don't have to face the difficult decision to tell my child no or punish my child for disobeying me. But, I feel parents have a responsibility to their child and to society to monitor what their children say, do, watch, etc. If there is even a chance something could alter my child's thinking patterns to be okay with violence, they aren't going to be doing it!

I know this post may seem a little venty or even preachy, and I apologize for that, but I cannot imagine the world continuing to go in the direction it is. THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE. And that change is going to have to start with us; explore how you feel about seeing violence in the media, how do you feel about violent movies and shows, violent video games. Make a decision on what you will and will not tolerate based on your beliefs. Once you understand these beliefs, you can pass down your values to your children. By doing this, change will then start to affect future generations. And that is the only way to change society. Do your research on violent media and the effect it has on brain functioning before you buy that new hot game that's out or that new movie that shows how the "hero" shoots everyone in his/her way. Lets stop breeding violence and start breeding empathy, kindness, and understanding in and out of our homes.

This may be controversial, and I truly believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion, so I respect you all. Please feel free to comment, even if you disagree.

What is VAWA?

You may have heard about VAWA in the news lately, but what is VAWA and how can it help?

VAWA is the Violence Against Women Act. Originally, it was created to provide resources for investigation and prosecution of violent crimes against women. Since it was created, the act has been expanded to include stalking and dating violence. This act has offered many grants that fund services victims desperately need.

Here are some of the accomplishments of the original act (as reported by thehotline.org):

• Creating new system responses – VAWA programs, funding and law reforms have changed federal, tribal, state and local responses to domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault and stalking by:
• Securing buy-in from formerly unengaged systems, like law enforcement, courts, and social services
• Creating a federal leadership role that has encouraged tribes, states and local government to improve responses to victims and perpetrators
• Establishing new federal crimes of domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking to fill in jurisdictional gaps in prosecuting these crimes
• Defining the crimes of domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault and stalking, as well as identifying promising practices to respond to these crimes
• Focusing on the needs of underserved communities, such as immigrant and Native American women

Seeing how this act can help those affected by domestic violence, it is hard to understand why reauthorization has been a debate, but it has been! Many of the issues that cause disagreement is extending the act to same-sex couples and undocumented immigrants. Now, no matter your views on those two topics, doesn't everyone deserve protection from possible death? 

VAWA passed in the Senate today! Next, the act has to go to the House, and then to the President. Expansion of this will reach same-sex couples and immigrants, Native Americans, victims on college campuses, and communities of color. Hopeful improvements will be providing additional support to the services and facilities that offer assistance to victims and stronger housing/shelter options for victims. 

It is so important that this act is reauthorized and expanded! Today was the first step, the Senate passed it and we hope to see it continue into the House. 

If you're not sure on why VAWA is so important, please take the time to listen to this story. I have never heard domestic violence explained so well before. It is touching, heart breaking, and chilling.

If you would like additional information on VAWA, check out one of the following links:

The Hotline provides the progression of VAWA through each reauthorization and, I believe, show why each time reauthorization occurs, it only gets better.
NNEDVdiscusses the current status of VAWA and updates with new legislation.

The shocking truth

It still amazes how often domestic abuse happens. The statistic is currently that 1 in 3 women will be affected by domestic abuse within their lifetime. 1 in 3! Think of your 2 closest friends, one of you are likely to experience to domestic violence! This is absolutely terrifying to me! 

Ever since Shannon passed away and I started sharing her story, more and more people are coming to me telling me there stories. I just can't believe how many people have gone through domestic violence; people I've known, people withing my circle of my friends.  I have heard the statistics a million times, I have written the statistics a million times but until you start hearing the stories, you don't get the full effect of how frequently this occurs. 

I want to share some trends that I have noticed within every person's story.

1) It typically starts with manipulation and control, but is hardly noticble.

2) The person being abused doesn't even notice it's happening until they are too invested in the relationship.

3) The relationship typically starts out as a whirlwind romance.

4) The relationship moves at an accelerated pace.

5) No matter the type of abuse, emotional, physical, financial control, interpersonal control, manipulation, belittling and humiliation, the abused is scarred so deeply it is hard to know how to react.

6) Isolation becomes the new "normal."

7) Emotions commonly expressed by the abused: embarrassment, fear, shame, guilt, defensiveness, resentment.

8) These emotions follow the abused into future relationships

9) Once the person gets the strength to talk about what's happened, a sense of empowerment overtakes these emotions. These emotions are still there, but healing can slowly begin.

I'm sure there are more trends, but for now, these are the ones that have been most noticeable to me. I can't imagine sitting by and letting these trends continue in the ones I love. It breaks my heart with every story I hear that someone has to go through this; but, I have empathy for them because I too was once in an abusive relationship and had all of these characteristics in my relationship. 

As this blog continues, I look forward to sharing others' stories and offer a chance for the abused to feel empowered by talking about their experience. I hope this can be an outlet for those who want to share, to gain some healing and offer support to others who may be going through a similar situation. If you have interest in sharing your story, please contact me.

Remember, it starts with knowing you deserve better.

Facts about Domestic Violence

Now, I can't take credit for this blog post. I found this posting on another website and felt the need to share the shocking statistics it discusses. Quotes will indicate portions taken from the original article found here: 

\http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soraya-chemaly/50-actual-facts-about-dom_b_2193904.html

"In the time it takes me to write this paragraph, 26 people -- given our statistics probably all women -- will be assaulted by an intimate partner in the U.S. In the roughly 48 hours between my writing and posting, at least six women in the US and hundreds if not thousands around the world will be killed by violent spouses."

This is an unimaginable, unacceptable statement. How can we sit by and let statistics like this exist and even continue to get worse?! We can't. It's up to me, to you, to our community, and our government to intervene and make sure it doesn't continue to increase!

"the U.S. is squarely in the middle of the global pack as far as the physical safety of women is concerned, and a large part of the reason why is our high rates of intimate partner and domestic violence....the worldwide proliferation of small arms exponentially increases the threats that women and children face. This is a special problem in the U.S. where, although we are not a militarized zone in technical terms, we rank No. 1 in the world for guns/per capita, with 88 guns/100 people -- far exceeding the second on the list, Serbia, at 58.2/100. Access to firearms increases the chance of deadly domestic violence five-fold in the U.S. Internationally, especially in militarized areas where people are actively engaged in warfare or where the state is abusive and heavily armed, the threats are far greater."

Now, I am not trying to start a gun control battle by re-posting that last statement. But, seriously if a gun is not in the house, how is one going to use a gun against another. I for one understand those who want to protect themselves, especially since the bad guys will still have guns. I also understand that guns don't kill people by themselves. But you can't deny the truth behind household guns increasing the chance of deadly domestic violence, especially if domestic violence is already taking place.  

"I often hear something along these lines: if only these women would just LEAVE their abusers. It's simple. A matter of poor choices and female weakness. In addition, everyone knows, women "gold diggers and frauds" lie about these things..."

I have posted about stereotypes in the past as well as common misconceptions surrounding domestic violence. I cannot tell you how angry I get when I hear someone say 'well, she should just leave.' Those words...just leave...tells me that you don't understand what's going on. I hope to educate those people who think the best advice is 'just leave' so that they are better prepared to help someone being abused. Those words can make someone shut off from you so quick and that is not what we want! We want to make sure we are understanding and empathetic to what they are going through...not cold-hearted advice givers.

Now I know how it is to read long blog posts. This post is more about spreading awareness of the problem; making it clear that this is a world-wide, community issue. I want to end with the 50 facts that were posted in the article but I encourage you to read the original article at the link posted above as there is much I left out. As I stated before, awareness starts with understanding the scope of the problem. Then we can learn how to combat it.

50 Facts About Domestic Violence

1. Number of U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq: 6,614:
2. Number of women, in the same period, killed as the result of domestic violence in the US: 11,766
3. Number of people per minute who experience intimate partner violence in the U.S.: 24
4. Number of workplace violence incidents in the U.S. annually that are the result of current or past intimate partner assaults: 18,700
5. Number of women in the U.S. who report intimate partner violence: 1 in 4
6. Number of men in the U.S. who report intimate partner violence: 1 in 7*
7. Number of women who will experience partner violence worldwide: 1 in 3
8. Order of causes of death for European women ages 16-44: domestic violence, cancer, traffic accidents
9. Increase in likelihood that a woman will die a violent death if a gun in present in the home: 270 percent
10. Number of women killed by spouses who were shot by guns kept by men in the home in France and South Africa: 1 in 3
11. Percentage of the 900 million small arms that are kept in the home, worldwide: 75
12. Country in which 943 women were killed in honor killings in 2011: Pakistan
13. City in which man "butchered" his wife in front of their six children in 2012: Berlin
14. States in which man decapitated his wife with a chainsaw in 2010 and another man did the same, respectively: Texas and New York
15. Percentages of people killed in the U.S. by an intimate partner: 30 percent of women, 5.3 percent of men.
16. Number of gay and transsexual men who experience domestic violence in the U.S.: 2 in 5 (similar to heterosexual women)
17. Percentage of the 31 Senate votes cast against the Violence Against Women Act that came from older, white, male Republicans: 95.8
18. Percentage of the 31 Senate votes cast against the Violence Against Women Act that came from a younger, male Republicans, at least one of whom sits on the Science Committee but is unable to say how old the Earth is: 4.2
19. Number of legal, medical, professional, faith-based and advocacy groups that signed a letter protesting the stripped-down VAWA: 300
20. First year that the Republican-led House of Representatives eroded VAWA of provisions designed to increase protections for Native Americans, immigrant women, members of the LGTBQ community and, yes, men: 2012
21. Estimated number of children, worldwide, exposed to domestic violence everyday: 10,000,000
22. Worldwide, likelihood that a man who grew up in a household with domestic violence grows up to be an abuser: 3 to 4 times more likely than if he hadn't.
23. Chance that a girl of high school age in the U.S. experiences violence in a dating relationship: 1 in 3
24. Percentage of teen rape and abuse victims who report their assailant as an intimate: 76
25. Percentage of U.S. cities citing domestic abuse as the primary cause of homelessness: 50
26. Percentage of homeless women reporting domestic abuse: 63
27. Percentage of homeless women with children reporting domestic abuse: 92
28. Percentage of women with disabilities who report violence: 40
29. Annual cost of domestic violence in the U.S. related to health care: $5.8 billion
30. Annual cost of domestic violence in the U.S. related to emergency care plus legal costs, police work, lost productivity: 37 billion dollars
31. Annual number of jobs lost in the U.S. as a result of intimate partner violence: 32,000
32. Percentage change between 1980 and 2008 of women and men killed by intimate partners in the U.S.: (w) 43 percent to 45 percent; (m) 10 percent to 5 percent
33. Average cost of emergency care for domestic abuse related incidents for women and men according to the CDC: $948.00 for women, $387 for men
34. Increase in portrayals of violence against girls and women on network TV during a five year period ending in 2009: 120 percent
35. The number one cause of death for African American women ages 15-34 according to the American Bar Association: homicide at the hands of a partner
36. Chance that a lesbian** in the U.S. will experience domestic (not necessarily intimate partner) violence: 50 percent
37. Chances that a gay man experiences domestic violence: 2 out of 5*
38. Ratio of women shot and killed by a husband or intimate partner compared to the total number of murders of men by strangers using any time of weapon, from 2002 homicide figures: 3X
39. Number of people who will be stalked in their lifetimes: 1 in 45 men and 1 in 12 women (broken out: 17 percent of American Indian and Alaska Native women; 8.2 percent of white women, 6.5 pecent of African American women, and 4.5 percent of Asian/Pacific Islander women)
40. Percentage of stalkers identified as known to victims: 90.3
41. Percentage of abused women in the U.S. who report being strangled by a spouse in the past year: 33 to 47.3 (this abuse often leaves no physical signs)
42. According to one study, percentage of domestic abuse victims who are tried to leave after less severe violent and nonviolent instances of abuse: 66 versus less than 25
43. Average number of times an abuser hits his spouse before she makes a police report: 35
44. No. 1 and No. 2 causes of women's deaths during pregnancy in the U.S.: Domestic homicide and suicide, often tied to abuse
45. Number of women killed by spouses who were shot by guns kept by men in the home in the United States: 2 in 3
46. Percentage of rape and sexual assault victims under the age of 18 who are raped by a family member: 34
47. Number of women killed everyday in the U.S. by a spouse: 3+
48. The primary reason cited by right-wing conservatives for objecting to the Violence Against Women Act: To protect the family.
49. Percentage reduction in reports of violence after men and women in South Africa went through an educational training program on health, domestic violence and gender norms: 55
50. Number of members of Congress who have gone through an educational training program on health, economics, violence, and gender norms: 0

How can you spread awareness today? How can we resolve this issue as a community? These statistics are staggering and unacceptable! I challenge you to do one thing a day, or even a week, that will help decrease violence in your community. How are you going to do it? Share it with us!